Murder, She wrote

Not like the "oops I did it again" way like Brit. More like a dramatic teenage girl who just got dumped by her boyfriend of one week [who also bought her a teddy bear, gave her some shirts and shit]. Said dramatic girl decided to gather up her closest of friends to take pictures and learn the art behind setting things on fire. Don't do this when your parents are home, kids.

Yuck, chivalry at its finest. 

Between all the viral articles about chivalry, swapping spit on first dates (ok or not?), and the Aretha Franklin (R E S P E C T),  Gen Y-ers consider the internet their bible. I personally feel bad for Adam and Eve not having these listicles guides.

Recently, Sunshiney Rach Sally, found herself out with chivalrous chad. Not to be confused with Chad Michael Murray (that only happens in her dreams...), and here's what happened:

1. "Should I come to your door when I pick you up?", he said. 
Way back when (not since cell phones, snapchat, and GPS have been things), it was pretty much a science that parents would meet said guy before heading to a night at the club opera and four course dinner date. Sally was stunned that he even began to ask that. Like no, you may not come to my door have a percent chance of meeting my friends and family and thus begin embarrassment for days. Now we just worry about making sure we can bring home to the rents after the first few dates. Sally told him to just text her when he's there and wait in the car.

2. Sally and Chad walk up the door. Chad makes sure he gets ahead of her to open the door.
She thinks to herself wow, how gentlemanly of him. But really she's a 20 something, she's learned how to hold doors open for herself since the day she walked (or learned she had arm strength to pull doors). The only viable reason she thinks he should hold the door for her is he can contract the germs, not her.

3. "What time do you need to be home by?"
I mean he was asking because he cared and had no interest in sneaking her off into his van and/or off into the sunset in his pretty leather car. He also asked multiple times, to make sure they were okay on time. Like damn, I'll get home when I get home. And with that, YOLO, said Sally.

4. "Would you want to come to my grandma's with me for dinner tonight?" answers call from mom, "Yeah Mom, I'm still with Sally"
Sally told her parents she went out with a friend that day, not the fact she went out with a guy. LET ALONE MEETING FROM A SOCIAL MEDIA/DATING SITE cough cough Tind, obvi cough cough. Yet his parents knew who SHE was. She had a name to them. Shits getting real, she obvi looks for the closest cliff to jump off of/cab to get into. Sally thinks he was kidding about dinner at grandmas but I mean, chivalry is weird so she was instantly like oh hey you're too much of a nice guy no interest you can go shave your back now BYE.


5. Did she mention he didn't try to kiss her on the first date?
And she was like um excuse me hi what.......Welp I guess thats what Gen Y ladies think of. We all want some boo-lovin', if I'm honest.

There you have it. She killed the chivalry and all she really wanted was the bad boy who doesn't send 'Good Morning' texts and wears nothing but the frattiest of clothing.
Ugh.

Chivalry is alive and well

Was going to title this post and just flat out say "A successful first date", but the last time THAT happened on the blog, he got a nickname, and me head over heels. Cue Boys like Girls, because that song was my shit.

We all know I go on a lot of dates and I love blogging about them, so here's another.

Preface: He graduated from my high school a few years before me. He actually graduated from the college my ex goes to, so we had a TON to talk about.

I kept unintentionally blowing him off for a week+ so I figured it was about damn time to go on a date that was actually CLOSE to my house. He offered to pick me up. After experiencing previous dates (aka creepster-mcgee), I figured I'd drive myself. Sushi again? Yes, puhlease.

I get there. He walks in. We hug.
He goes: "Hey I got you a little gift".
I'm all like oh shit, what do I do? 
When we first started talking he told me he got a bunch of keychains for free while studying abroad in Paris a few years ago. He decided to bring me one. It was the eiffel tower, and I must say, I was impressed. I realized I should stop being such a judgmental sour pants and accept the gift and love it up. I added it to my new keychain collection on my wallet. It's like he knew I loved/want to visit Paris, and I just got a new wallet. Double whammy. Four for you, Duder.

I figured I'd only end up there for a good hour - hour and a half. I ended up being there for three hours. It felt comfortable, our conversing, and it was really a lot of fun.

Damn me and my dating/blogging experiences that lead me to believe that I have very low expectations for dates.

I really wish I had something more exciting to share, but he "nailed" it on the first date.
Best part? He walked me to my car AND didn't even try to kiss me.
Chivalry is alive and well.

So to sum it up: I left with the eiffel tower, left over sushi, and a smile.

A lot of profanities, and a free meal!!!!!!!!!!

I am not waiting until monday or a 'decent time' to post this post. This post is pretty raw because it's 11:27 PM on friday right now. You know when Forrest Gump explained that life is like a box of chocolates and you never know what you gonna get. Well guess what Forrest? Sorry to disappoint but a lot of things are like boxes of chocolate. LIKE DATING.

I got the fucking coconut one. And I hate the gross coconut one. SO DAMN DECEIVING.

So, like many of my dates because I just don't give a flying eff about dating anymore and I do it to blog about (Call me the Carrie Bradshaw of my generation...), I go in with no expectations.
This guy seemed pretty legit: he had good morals, good family background, JEWISH, good conversation. It seemed like it would be a fucking walk in the park. Who snuck around and drugged me some happy pills this morning? Let me know. I thought today was going to be a perfect day.

Speaking of perfect, I decided to get my hair done at a Blow Out/Dry Bar place in Rittenhouse Square. That will be talked about later since it's too important to not have a post on its own. But hey, I looked mighty fine. I probably would have wanted to pick me up tonight too. It's okay boys, I'm single ;)

Oh and before that? I decided to stop at TJ maxx and got an awesomely hot outfit for 19.99. Thats the mom in me.

So date goes like this: He runs a bit late because of traffic, calls me and tells me and explains how excited he was. Aww shit, that's really sweet. Like really, I wasn't mad. He gets there freaking finally and we sit down to eat. I'm excited because shit I am hungry. He takes a good ole time looking at the menu (we went to sushi), as if there was going to be something secretive between the lines. No clue. So we finally ordered, and he ordered me a martini (hello I'm underage ya ding nut so have fun finishing this fruity drink all to yourself). I had a sip and it tasted like icky with a spot of i want to get you drunk tonight. Luckily, I'm a lady with morals (and who wanted to make it home tonight) so I just didn't drink it.

The night went on as any date would. We talked about our personal lives, school lives, and weirdly enough we had a decent amount in common. Not enough for me to fall into his deep spell of lurvin' him. I want to give him a nickname but nothing really comes to mind....because thats how I think of him.....Or don't..... 

Um, he kept talking about his ex. They broke up a month ago *SHO SHAAAAD*. Like I get it, I'm the queen of heartbreaks but for real dude you're on a date. At least be like yeaaaaaaah I was too cool for her thats why we broke up. Maybe I'd respect you more. The conversation (when I wasn't talking) was just like falling off a cliff with no "DO NOT ENTER" sign. I felt awkward at some points.

He wanted to keep the date going on but I just kept HINTING at how tired I was. I wasn't really feeling it. He even mentioned that if he could he would ask me to be his girlfriend.  TONIGHT.
TONIGHT.
Excuse me, what? Come again? Are you a freak? All signs point to YAAAAS.
He suggested we go sit in his car since we had nothing better to do. How about no I said to myself.
The best part of the night was when he walked into the street, almost got hit by a car, and the people in the (smart) car yelled ASSHOLE at him.
We got back to his car and he went right in for the kiss. Alright, maybe that will change things. NOPE NOPE NOPE. I felt like I was eating an octopus that was alive. Or more like it was devouring me. Like grossest thing ever I cant' even get into details. Just know that when I think of this, I'm hysterically laughing. THAT BAD. Like where the eff did he learn how to make out? Chilling with snuffalupogus?

I kept insisting on him driving me to my car and he kept on pursing with FIVE MORE MINUTES. Finally I told him I need to leave him "wanting more" so he could take me to my car. Best part of the date.

I said my goodbyes and was on my way. And called Rachael cracking the hell up.
So now here I am, in bed. 11:45 and getting crazy texts from him asking why it didn't go well. I was going to post the conversation but I think you can tell my frustration already aka read AGAIN if that is not clear.

So kids, stay in school and don't go on tinder.

Can't Eat, Can't Sleep, You rock my world type stuff

Hoping on the dear future boyfriend train because it's still 'boyfriend season' and I'm still 'single as a pringle'.  As far as I've learned, I know that boyfriend seasons doesn't end until spring thaw. So basically....crap, I have not too much way too much time to try to find the one that makes my heart sing and get all those butterfly feelings that the Olsen twins spoke of at the mere age of fetus and a half.

Dear future boyfriend,

Congratulations and welcome to Girlfriend University! We have lot's of great features that make us stand out from the others. Well hey there. I'm pretty sure at this point you get my odd sense of humor and think it's great that I find my jokes (that aren't funny to anyone else) pretty g-d damn hilarious. I will probably also acknowledge this or other not-funny-funny-things later on down the road. Like one night when were in the car on the way to dinner or to do domestic things (because I think that weird shit is fun), I will probably think of this and randomly start giggling for all of eternity.

I hope you are fine with being old people 7/10 times. Although I look probably half your age (don't worry, I'm not), I'm fine with staying in and getting drunk. That's what all the cool hip people do these days though, right? I mean obviously I'm down to merp anytime, anywhere, but chances are I'm more about cuddling and flipping through netflix and until we decide to really not watch anything or else just go back to the news channel.

Alright sorry sorry, I am not THAT boring. Thanks to growing up with a little brother, I like video games, sometimes. But I guess at this point in life, we all like competition so it's up to you if you want to let me win sometimes or not. But it's okay after the two month mark, I give you all permission to try to kick my butt in Mario Kart.

Speaking of things guys like that (some weird) girls don't...I like sports. Let me clarify: I love going to baseball games because warmer weather [and cuter pictures, duh!], basketball games are super fun because I understand it and as far as hockey or football? I mean, if you like it I'm all for it. I just might bother you a few times too many because I don't get what a first and ten truly means. I'm down for cheap beer though, thanks.

Also you wouldn't have made it to boyfriend material if you didn't support all my crazy decisions. Whether encouraging my singing of taylor swift/rap songs, because they just make you down right smile to what to blog about for the upcoming weeks. You have to believe in me, like I believe in you! I don't expect some Dear John, The Notebook, or Nights in Rodanthe (points if you know what these movies are about/seen them), type lifestyle aka why they belong in movies, but as long as you enjoy adventurous things sometimes, then buckle up and lets get moving.

See, I'm fun!!!!!

I'm awkward sometimes (but you know that by now). I enjoy chocolate covered gummy bears, Frank Sinatra (le hardcore duh if you end up reading this), zinfandel, spooning, retail therapy (lots of it), taking cute pictures together, sprinkles, anything that will make me happy, and of course, you. I enjoy you a lot. Heck, I enjoy you so much I probably want to spend too much time with you, so sorry about that one. I only hope you feel the same.

I hope you dress nicely. Because that is probably what attracted me to you in the first place...besides facial hair and how easy it is for you to make me smile. If you don't dress nicely, houston we have some problems and that it something I would love to help out with.

Chances are it will take some begging and a half to get me to watch horror/action movies with you. I'm all about those rom-coms and just flat out romantic things that puke I WANT MY LIFE TO BE A FAIRYTALE, too.

Finally, you better be down for having room for activities. Nah, not talking about needing space in your place to build a fort (WHICH I WOULD FREAKING LOVE), but I mean to do things. On the days I am feeling anti-netflix (not as rare as you think...) I love days of doing simple yet grand things such as art museum, going to the city, even spending an afternoon in a random place (i.e bookstore). I like artsy things, I hope you get that. Also in your contract, I think I stated you must be able to take pictures of me for my corner of the internet? Brunching is always a great idea, just saying.

At the end of the day, as long as you enjoy being with me like Drake does (sweatpants, hair tied, chilling with no makeup on), then I think we have a deal.

I'll be seeing you. (Vomcity cliché movie reference)

Hugs and kisses and all that mushy shit,
Ya baby girl
Rachel


P.S I'm Boston bound today!

And all I got was a damn starbucks cup.

Even if you only spend about a good ten seconds on my blog, you know that I love blogging about my guy experiences, I should just stop reiterating at this point. After my past two tinder slumps being an epic fail beyond comprehension, I decided to give how many effs? Oh, I'd say about zero. Yea, you heard me. I decided to turn tinder into a simple game of hot or not, not who's my next victim ;).

(via pinterest)

P.S hey you tinder gds, if you read this, maybe I should like be a spokes person for y'all or something. I've got a handful and a half to say about your little match makey-appy.

Like I said, I gave up and made it a game. I match with a dude (like every other time....) and he decided to initiate the conversation. Whatever I thought, we'll just talk until he gets tired of me. Yet he decided to ask me questions noone has ever asked before on tinder and actually wanted to get to know me.

...Wait, those guys exist on that creepy ass app? Apparently (read: so far)....
He asked about my hobbies and what I do in my free time, and my big mouth blurted out blogging. Am I dumb? I'd say like, yes? Normally guys are like "oh really? that's cool" but nope not this one, Mister KiddyCup (explanation later), was genuinely interested and was now putting on his camo hunting gear. Meaning, he wanted to find le blog. Did I let him? Hell no. Like, sorry you can't read, I need to blog about you...

Anyway after talking for a bit, he wanted to meet up. I decided to go into meeting up with legitimately less than -5% expectations. I'm a young girl, I get my hopes up faster than a grandma getting tired at a 9PM showing of The Hunger Games. Eh whatever, just go with it.

I even tweeted the day before how excited I was to live tweet the date if it sucked. Note: I didn't even pick up my phone once. Yet as I was blasting my John Mayer playlist and pulling up to the meet up location, I got nervous.

Is he going to like me?
Is he going to think I'm funny?
What about what questions will he ask?
How many times will he mention my blog to try and get it out of me so he can read how weird I really am? (The answer, for reals: I can't even count. Too many.)

We clicked almost instantly. Between having way too much in common, I mean waaaaaay too much (like weird ass uncommon ish), and talking his ear off, I'd call the date successful. After lunch we decided to get into the car and drive to get coffee (since that was the original plan of our date). I was so excited to get a PSL (I THOUGHT THEY DISAPPEARED IN WINTER), and thought he was an avid coffee drinker until we got there. He said he doesn't drink coffee. Oh okay, playing me I see you homie. He ended up with some white choco shenans and asked for his drink not too hot. They called it "Kid Temperature" and I laughed at him. Perfect making fun of him material. Even the barista's said he will never be able to live it down. And as long as we're friends, it's a big fat eff no. Hence, my nickname for him: Mister KiddyCup.

Starbies was packed like sardines so we sat in his car for three damn hours just talking. But you know when you don't even realize time flies because you just are living in the moment? Yeah, that thing happened. Before you know it, I had to go. And I didn't want to.

No pictures to suffice? Welp, I am a F+ blogger.

I told Mister KiddyCup how I basically wanted to hate him so I could at least have solid blog material (as per usual with the past tinder meet ups...). Instead, I left with realizing that when you go into things with minimal expectations, you are able to have ten times more fun than you thought you would have (Or maybe we just really hit it off...).


Oh, and a damn Starbucks (PSL) in hand.

Matches made in Hell.

For those of you who don't know me and are hopping on over today for the first time, Hi! What a glorious day for you to come join up in my little fort corner thing of the interweb.

*MAKE SURE TO LIKE MY NEW FACEBOOK PAGE! SO EXCITING I KNOW!*

I am guy crazy. I guess I seem crazy in general, but literally who isn't these days? #Trendyproblems
Like my blog besties, we spend our time in group texts, and every day breathing which includes various activities. When we are not doing this,  or sleeping, we tind it up. We spend group chats talking about how weird guys are, or when they dress up like Thor in their pictures, judging them based on their taglines, and sharing our weird personal conversations we take on.
Yup. It's exactly why we get along so well.

Even before finding a group of ladies who share the same love bored satisfaction of finding duders we would have never met otherwise, I took the meaning of swiping left/swiping right into my own hands.

If you are human, you most likely have a type of guy that you would basically drool like a baby over. I mean I do. and It's one that isn't going away anytime soon. I'm fine with that, don't you worry.

The worst part about tinder is that sometimes it gets BORING: no good guys/you're just wasting time on there because you have nothing else to do so you find yourself liking random guys you would never "suck face" (don't you hate when people use that term. I DO) with. Sometimes, I win at my own game. I also do not message first. So here we go, my matched dudes stereotyped:

NJB Noah: Yep, fully aware his name is Andrew. But so my type. NYU? Smart/trendy. AEPI? Even better. This jewish girl knows her jewish frats when she sees one. He's a potential dude, being twenty, and a Dave lover. He has some asian writing too? Wow, Andrew...Andy...Drew...how cultured of you ;)

Alright fabulous we can get married and he can hire dave to play "Crash Into Me" in the background as he gets on his knees in his blue Vineyard Vines pastel shorts and a nice sassy Ralph Lauren striped button down. We even have mutual friends?! Well damn, invite them to the wedding!

I'm not getting too far ahead of myself right?

Also: NJB? Nice Jewish Boy. Aka what I need to find myself. So if you know of any, please, send them on over. I swear I'm the perfect nice little jewish girl, too.

Blunt Billy: LIKE NO. Although yes, you are probably of middle east decent (damn you, dark skinned/dark haired freaks..), I wasn't too scared. Chances are you could have been Israel? I would have appreciated it. I'm jewish for gd sake. But you threw me a freaking fast curve ball. By you saying your not a terrorist is this some associative math property BS that makes you actually a terrorist.

What business does a terrorist have on a creepy site where you can find people near you (sort of) to prey on.......you know.....?!?

Stalker Steve: this doesn't even need explaining. He just set himself up for his own episode of Date Line. Or Maury. Or probably Dr. Phil considering he sent some pretty creepy shit. Let's break it down. Not in a dance move fashion.
Beautiful Broad? Beautiful I can take *blushes*. Broad? Um. Thats a new one thanks. Sort of creepy and threatening.

Taped my phone to my face? Well thats uncomfortable
FOR TWO DAYS? Do you not have other friends?
Sitting outside my apartment? Well damn, you're life sucks.
Reception in the parking lot? Are you sure this isn't code for you doing some drugs or something...
Playing games with your heart? I mean I haven't answered since you got really creepy so jokes on you for getting creepy.

CYA.

Hungry Harry: Well damn. I already assigned someone to butter my muffin. So Marc, get in line.

You can go shave your back now.
#MeanGirlsQuotes

Quoting She's the Man? Myyyyy dude.

Want to giggle with real life experiences tinder brought into my life?
My first real life date with a dude from tinder. To be honest, I was worried I would become another lifetime movie story. It was the greatest date ever.
Then the second date rolled around and we realized we had nothing in common and he became the lord of douchebaggary. I also showed him a bit of the blog world. WHAT WAS I THINKING.
This guy? Complete rando and I stopped it before it got worse. You belong in the kitchen, douche canoe. Sexist loser.

Share with me and my gal pals your disasters. I wonder if it could top ours.
(Rachael & Melissa)

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You've got mail! [A linkup]

Now, I am no statistics researcher. or Math professor. Or smart person. But I'm going to guess that about 86% of you are taken. The other 14% are girls that rep that single girl swag.

Why are you single? Kidding. I don't want to know because we all know you don't want to know why I am. Shout out to my ex for being SO awesome and breaking my heart. *Insert sarcasm here*

Since I've been a single Sally for the past three months, I've had my fair share of online dating. I mean really if you look at my freaking twitter, half my tweets are about how much I love tinder. Heck if you search tinder or online dating or guys stink eff you on my blog, you'll find a lot of information that you actually would ever want to.

After chatting with the fabbyfab lady named Rachael at Pretty in Pink, we decided after everything we've been through with online dating we might as well make a damn linkup. The 14% single ladies of the world must feel like same way. Also Melissa agreed, hence a baby linkup was birthed.

Not single? Join the link-up too..if you have an online dating disaster story worth while!

Need some fuel for the fire of a link up you are going to join? Look no freakin' further. I sometimes think I'm Queen B of online dating disasters. 

Tall Tim Part 1//Tall Tim Part 2//Creepy NoName-r//Ex bofo Billy

Come join in on all the fun this thursday. Really do it. Let your mind go wild and bash all those random creepos who don't read your blog. #Amen. 

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