A lot of profanities, and a free meal!!!!!!!!!!

I am not waiting until monday or a 'decent time' to post this post. This post is pretty raw because it's 11:27 PM on friday right now. You know when Forrest Gump explained that life is like a box of chocolates and you never know what you gonna get. Well guess what Forrest? Sorry to disappoint but a lot of things are like boxes of chocolate. LIKE DATING.

I got the fucking coconut one. And I hate the gross coconut one. SO DAMN DECEIVING.

So, like many of my dates because I just don't give a flying eff about dating anymore and I do it to blog about (Call me the Carrie Bradshaw of my generation...), I go in with no expectations.
This guy seemed pretty legit: he had good morals, good family background, JEWISH, good conversation. It seemed like it would be a fucking walk in the park. Who snuck around and drugged me some happy pills this morning? Let me know. I thought today was going to be a perfect day.

Speaking of perfect, I decided to get my hair done at a Blow Out/Dry Bar place in Rittenhouse Square. That will be talked about later since it's too important to not have a post on its own. But hey, I looked mighty fine. I probably would have wanted to pick me up tonight too. It's okay boys, I'm single ;)

Oh and before that? I decided to stop at TJ maxx and got an awesomely hot outfit for 19.99. Thats the mom in me.

So date goes like this: He runs a bit late because of traffic, calls me and tells me and explains how excited he was. Aww shit, that's really sweet. Like really, I wasn't mad. He gets there freaking finally and we sit down to eat. I'm excited because shit I am hungry. He takes a good ole time looking at the menu (we went to sushi), as if there was going to be something secretive between the lines. No clue. So we finally ordered, and he ordered me a martini (hello I'm underage ya ding nut so have fun finishing this fruity drink all to yourself). I had a sip and it tasted like icky with a spot of i want to get you drunk tonight. Luckily, I'm a lady with morals (and who wanted to make it home tonight) so I just didn't drink it.

The night went on as any date would. We talked about our personal lives, school lives, and weirdly enough we had a decent amount in common. Not enough for me to fall into his deep spell of lurvin' him. I want to give him a nickname but nothing really comes to mind....because thats how I think of him.....Or don't..... 

Um, he kept talking about his ex. They broke up a month ago *SHO SHAAAAD*. Like I get it, I'm the queen of heartbreaks but for real dude you're on a date. At least be like yeaaaaaaah I was too cool for her thats why we broke up. Maybe I'd respect you more. The conversation (when I wasn't talking) was just like falling off a cliff with no "DO NOT ENTER" sign. I felt awkward at some points.

He wanted to keep the date going on but I just kept HINTING at how tired I was. I wasn't really feeling it. He even mentioned that if he could he would ask me to be his girlfriend.  TONIGHT.
TONIGHT.
Excuse me, what? Come again? Are you a freak? All signs point to YAAAAS.
He suggested we go sit in his car since we had nothing better to do. How about no I said to myself.
The best part of the night was when he walked into the street, almost got hit by a car, and the people in the (smart) car yelled ASSHOLE at him.
We got back to his car and he went right in for the kiss. Alright, maybe that will change things. NOPE NOPE NOPE. I felt like I was eating an octopus that was alive. Or more like it was devouring me. Like grossest thing ever I cant' even get into details. Just know that when I think of this, I'm hysterically laughing. THAT BAD. Like where the eff did he learn how to make out? Chilling with snuffalupogus?

I kept insisting on him driving me to my car and he kept on pursing with FIVE MORE MINUTES. Finally I told him I need to leave him "wanting more" so he could take me to my car. Best part of the date.

I said my goodbyes and was on my way. And called Rachael cracking the hell up.
So now here I am, in bed. 11:45 and getting crazy texts from him asking why it didn't go well. I was going to post the conversation but I think you can tell my frustration already aka read AGAIN if that is not clear.

So kids, stay in school and don't go on tinder.