(how to) dodge that stage 5 clinger tonight

A last post of 2013? 2013 couldn't be complete until I posted one last time about guys. No really, the mother earth told me she would hold back a clock or two until I blogged about the male species once more. A ton of you are going out tonight (and by a ton I mean all the worlds population), putting on your drunky pants, NYE-guy goggles, pregaming to some Timber (you do this too, right?) and grabbing your best friends closer as the creepy guy who keeps buying you drinks 'party boy's' on your sweet it's-almost-time-for-the-ball-to-drop ass.

If you are taken, g-d bless your damn soul and be thankful you don't have to deal with the crazies.

But for all you people who don't have a ring on no finger, or your 'married'/'in a relationship' with your bestie on Facebook (It's 2014 [WEIRD TO SAY], do people still do this?), just make sure to follow these guidelines.

Buddy system. You've been doing it since before you can even remember. You're mother told you to ALWAYS make sure to bring a friend with you when going out to the local bowling alley on a friday night with your glittered limited-too purse in hand, right? So why would it be different now? The worlds an odd place, and you never know what could be out there. Creepy, but then again, it's just a girl thing. Are you even a girl if you don't do this? Also, flagging away guys when saying something along the lines of oops, I gotta go pee is a great escape plan. 100% effective as seen from recent studies (Source: My own damn life). 

Lesbihonest, dance floor edition. We all love to shake what our mothers have given us, practice improve our grinding skills (VOM) on that tall hunk of random man-ness. Until he starts grabbing you and you get some chilly ass vibes. And I mean the vibes that he either has a voodoo doll of you on his nightstand or he's secretly a wizard, turns you into a leprechaun and sticks you in a cage in his pocket. First degree chills right there. My plans when this happens? It's usually along the lines of dancing like a crazy person and producing absolute nonsense with your partner in crime. Not only is is fun, but guys realize you basically have slim to non 'hot' dance moves. Which I don't mind (sometimes). And they are out of there faster than you can think 'Have I seen you on tinder before?'

Can I has yo number? Really, bless YOUR soul and check your sanity on a sanity-monitor (totes a thing...) because lady, if he's creepy you step away, no matter how many shots of fireball were truly consumed. Or cups of wine. Because I like wine. #Cla$$y. If you decide that your drunk goggles are truly to blame and not your brain thinking it's okay to make bad decisions, just remember that you're obvi on the buddy system. Your great escapes can include: 1) Awkwardly wave off into the distance at a stranger (that's far enough for him to not creep, either) and pretend its your boyfriend who just went to get you more fireball shots. 2) Pretend you really can't hear him because the new Christina Agulara song about her body or something is playing and you shriek to your friend like a five year old girl getting the chance to meet one direction and you pull a 'sneak under the table' type scenario and run into the crowd on the dance floor. Is it obvious that I've experienced this before and always think about my options to scadaddle? 

There you have it. Before you hand the bouncer your ID (fake or not...), remember to clean off your drunk goggles extra freaking good tonight (spit on it a little, or something), buy handcuffs (only a suggestion) so you don't loose your 'buddy', and get your dancing pants on. Or a cute sparkly skirt is preferable, too. 

Bring in the new year creepy guy/cling free.

Have a good one, you all rock to the stars and back.

See you next year. Ha ha.