Original DoucheCanoe

You shine like the light from the sun. So 1 what does that even mean? Is that considered english? You're telling me (read: Lizzie) she's a bright obnoxious girl who only hides when a sad gloomy pale day in her diary commences?

We've been told ever since AIM profiles and cliche chick flicks have been a thing, that dudes just suck its how it goes. Also our moms have tried to warn us, dad's overprotective of any male that gets in about a 50 foot radius of us, and us girls? We just want to RUN the world. My girl L to the Izzie? Her mom was anal about almost everything how did she NOT warn her about guys such as Italy's #1 most wanted douche canoe, Paolo Valasari?

Granted her mom probably never went abroad anyway so how could she stop her. But then again, it wasn't her mom getting playa-played by a gorgeous foreigner...it was HER. How did Lizzie not listen to Gordo? Didn't her and Miranda used to get a good laugh and judgement phone sesh after school about loser guys? I mean luckily they didn't have tinder to turn to...Lizzie may or may not have turned out to be loon.

How could Lizzie fall for Paolo...

-A loser in aluminum foil (circa aim profile days)
-A dude who made her turn into a bad ass chick who left her 8th grade GRADUATION school trip.
-Um, how old is he? #Jailbate
-He tries to set her up. SHE KNOWS SHE WILL BE LIPSINGING THE SONG AT THE AWARDS SHOW...doesn't she think about that type of stuff before she goes to bed at night? That ish would keep me up (she totes should have subtweeted him...)
-She had to be quiet when talking to him in public. If thats not a booty call/sketchy type of situation, I don't know what is ya jerk.
-Someone who's not Gordo....Like girl, stop friendzoing him he's a nice jewish boy. GET SUM.

Honestly, I'm all for charming the lady pants off a girl but Paolo clearly didn't take the class in Girls 101 at his local University (or shit, is he in high school still? Unsure).

Psh, that face don't charm me

Despite Lizzies outfit repeating ways pre-Italian pop star cat fishing the world type of sitch, she came home fabulous...and grounded (#childhood).


YOU'RE NO MARGARET CHAN.